


Drunken Confessional

by Transdodds



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Developing Relationship, Drunken Confessions, First Kiss, Fluff, Love Confessions, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-28
Updated: 2019-01-28
Packaged: 2019-10-18 09:04:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17577902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Transdodds/pseuds/Transdodds
Summary: Sonny had almost died, and he realised that he couldn't go to his grave without finally getting some closure with Rafael Barba.





	Drunken Confessional

**Author's Note:**

  * For [jewishbarba](https://archiveofourown.org/users/jewishbarba/gifts).



> Based on a tumblr prompt I got from the awesome @cislucifer

Sonny had almost died. He had stood there, cool metal pressed against his forehead, seconds from death and he had thought about all his regrets. About how he would never be able to see his niece grow old, and he’d never witness the beauty of the Manhattan skyline lit up against the night sky on the journey back from Staten Island ever again. He’d also thought about how he’d never get a chance to tell Barba what he felt about him. And even after cold metal was replaced with warm sticky blood, he couldn’t stop thinking about that.

Which was why he was now here, in Barbas office. And only now, as he stood in the room, did he realise two things. One, it probably hadn’t been the wisest idea to do this after he had been drinking fairly heavily. And two, he probably should have realised there was a relatively high chance Barba wouldn’t actually be in his office. So, as he stood in the empty room, he realised he had two choices. He could either go back home, drink until he could at least pretend to forget he almost died, go to sleep and continue to hide his feelings until the next near death experience happened, or he could ride the train of booze fuelled confidence, and call Rafael. And with that thought, he pulled out his phone and dialled an all too familiar number.

“Carisi, what’s wrong?” Asked Rafael upon picking up, his voice sounding slightly dazed and Sonny just then realised how late it really was. “I thought the case you were working on had closed”

Sonny couldn't help but snort slightly at that, almost as if laughing would be enough to fend off the memories. “Yeah, it’s definitely over, and it almost was for me, and I realised I had to tell you something, so I went to your office, which you obviously aren’t at-”

“What do you mean it was almost over for you?” Rafael said, voice suddenly sharp, feeling much more awake.

“Didn’t Benson tell you what happened?”

She hadn’t, she’d mentioned they’d had to shoot Cole, but nothing except for that and Rafael had assumed the file could wait, busy with so many other cases. Right now he wished he was at his office where he could actually read what had happened, because despite Sonny currently still speaking he was rambling and slightly all over the place and his voice was slightly slurred, and that was when Rafael realised something important and Sonny could hear a slight rustling over the phone.

“Carisi, are you drunk?”

Sonny decided there was no point in lying, Barba was unlikely to have asked a question like that without already knowing the answer. “Yes, just a bit.”

Rafael suppressed a sigh. “You said you were at my office, just stay there. I’ll come and get you” Rafael said before hanging up, leaving Sonny once again alone in his office. Normally he would have told himself it would be an invasion of privacy to go snooping about, but the sensible part of his brain seemed to be much quieter than usual. So Sonny spent his time waiting fully examining the bookshelves, which wasn’t particularly interesting but he still had just enough sense not to go opening any drawers.

Barba arrived less than half an hour later, the speed a combination of the lack of traffic at this late hour, and the fact Barba had chosen an apartment incredibly close to his office. He was looking more dressed down than Sonny had ever seen him, looking so good in jeans that Sonny almost wished he would start wearing them every day instead of his suits. Almost. The suits were still an incredibly good look on him, and one Sonny wouldn't want to give up. His hair was tousled, free from its gel and fluffy instead of meticulously combed into place, and for the first time Sonny realised he might have just woken Rafael up.

“You didn’t have to come” Sonny said, his voice apologetic, but Rafael waved him off.

“You said you needed to tell me something” Rafael said, instead of mentioning that something had obviously happened at work to Sonny today, and that he’d been drinking and therefore Rafael couldn’t in good conscience just leave him there. He had a feeling pity was not what Sonny needed, and anyways, Rafael didn’t want to show just how much he cared for the detective. The only thing worse than rejection from Carisi would be rejection by a drunk Carisi.

It was harder for Sonny to make his confession now that Rafael was actually standing in front of him, wearing an outfit so casual that it was easy for Sonny to picture little domestic moments with him. But he had to say something, today had just driven home how close to death his job brought him, and he didn’t want this to be one of the secrets he would be buried with, even if this secret was, according to most people, a very badly hidden one.

“I like you, a lot. And I know you don’t like me back, at points I’ve even thought you hated me, but for whatever reason that hasn’t stopped me liking you, and I just needed to tell you, even if you’re probably going to laugh in my face for even thinking anything could happen between us-”

“I’m not going to laugh in your face, and I definitely don’t hate you.” Rafael said, interrupting Sonny's anxious rambling. “In fact, I really like you too, even if I dislike using such a middle school-eque phrase.”

“Why.... why didn’t you say anything?” Sonny said, a surprised expression on his face, and feeling more sober than he had the entire evening, as if shock had replaced alcohol in his bloodstream.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Rafael said, pushing the conversation back onto Sonny.

“I assumed you knew, I mean everyone said my crush on you is obvious. I was just telling you tonight to finally get it off my chest”

“Everyone?”

‘Mostly Rollins, but the entire squad teased me about it.” Sonny said, forcing himself to stop rambling. Rafael didn’t need to hear the jokes about how he was president of the Rafael Barba fanclub, or the comparisons to high schoolers with their first crush.

Well, that meant the look Liv would sometimes give him when he mentioned the detective made much more sense, Rafael thought. “I thought it was just hero worship. I could tell you admired me, but I thought it was just my career. I didn’t think there would be any way you could…” Rafael trailed off. Sonny had turned up drunk, and had been the first to confess, Rafael absolutely had the high ground here and he didn’t want to lose it.

But then Sonny gave him this look, blue eyes full of pure, genuine care and affection and Rafael could fee the ground crumbling underneath him. And then he was hit with the thought that Sonny had apparently almost died today, that he could’ve lost that look forever. And the high ground completely disappeared beneath his feet. Because he realised that he wouldn’t be able to bare losing Sonny, either through the job, or through a relationship. So he had to be sure that this wasn’t just some desire stirred up by alcohol or adrenaline. He had to make sure that, for whatever reason, Sonny actually liked him. Which meant showing his hand. 

“I’m mean” Rafael said

“You’re sarcastic, and maybe it does come off a little rude. But when it really counts your kind, compassionate” Sonny countered. He knew all too well what it was like to create arguments about why you couldn’t have what you wanted. And he wouldn’t let Rafael do that to himself. He wouldn’t let Rafael do that to them.

“I’m married to the job”

“You care about the cases, and considering how cases hold me up at the precinct often, that’s not exactly going to be a deal breaker”

“I’m bitter. I’m old. I don’t want kids. I’m not a practising Catholic.” Rafael said, listing all the reasons he knew he wouldn’t fit in with what he was sure Sonny wanted for the future. He couldn’t give him the sundays at mass, or the big house full of kids.

“So? That’s not going to change the fact that I like you, and that I have for some time. I don’t like this person you think you should be, I like you.”

Rafael looked like he was going to say something to try and argue against Sonny, and Sonny became convinced there was only one way he was going to win this argument. So he took a step closer to Rafael and leaned down to kiss him. Rafael seemed to freeze in surprise for a split second before relaxing and kissing back and Sonny balled his fist into Rafaels jumper to pull him closer. And the feel of the soft cashmere under his skin reminded Sonny that this was reality, because in all his daydreams Rafael had been wearing a suit, and he couldn’t believe this was really happy, that he was somehow this lucky that Rafael liked him back. That Rafael didn’t think Sonny had liked him back, that he had somehow thought Sonny was too good for him. And that thought made Sonny realise he still had to make sure that Rafael knew that wasn’t true.

So he pushed away, grinning slightly when he heard Rafael let out a small groan of disappointment. And, hoping it wasn’t obvious how fast his heart was beating, he said “Now do you believe me when I say I like you, and that I don’t think I’ll ever stop.”

While the doubts in his mind had quietened, they were still there, lurking. But Rafael was pretty sure it would hurt just as much to walk away now, as it might to put his heart in Sonny's hands. So he nodded, before pulling Sonny in for another breathtaking kiss, hoping that this risk wouldn’t destroy them both.


End file.
